If I was a modern day Noah, my smut arch would consist of the Bang Bros Network.  With over 900 hours of video, I literally would have 40 days and 40 nights of top notch porn to get me though the buzz killed deluge.  (I just hope in this situation the big guy upstairs would accept a jerk marathon as a worthy substitute for a spiritual penance.) 

Needless to say, we have insane volume; more pussies and asses to gaze at than all stars and satellites floating around in a country night. 

Being a member of DVD Tube is like having a Wal-Mart stocked only with porn, neatly and ergonomically stowed in your basement; this site is vast, diverse, and reasonably priced considering that its content is virtually inexhaustible.  As of this morning, they have 4547 full length DVDs available for either download or streaming.  If you were to balance the boxes for these films on top of each other, it would be the tallest manmade structure in the world, and that’s including those crazy skyscrapers in Dubai. 

No matter what genre you may call home, if you’re a creampie aficionado or a European enthusiast, this site has it covered—in spades!  All the major stars are well represented and searchable, making it a breeze to find exactly who you want and what you want.  To test this feature out, I typed in Audrey Hollander, being a big anal/DP fan.  Instantly I had over a dozen titles to choose from, clearly displayed and organized.

Straight up, this site blows me away.  It is the perfect marriage of design and substance.  With an easy-to-use interface and an intuitive attention to detail, DVD Tube is a premium site that all others should be modeled after.

1948 DVDs!   Let’s think about this- that is one movie a year from the birth of Christ to the Atomic age.  That’s 4000 straight hours of porn.  It would take 167 days, night and day, 24/7, to watch all of that swag.    You could literally bust a million nuts without ever having a repeat.  Well folks, I have my work cut out for me. 

Let me begin by saying that X Movies offers full access to nearly 1500 DVD’s.  These films can all be quickly streamed or downloaded.  We have the following five formats to choice from; XviD (1100kbps), WMV (512kbps), WMV (256kbps) iPod MP4 (700kbps), and MPEG (700kbps), all of which look good on screen. 

When streaming, there is a function that allows you to quickly jump to any part of the clip, which is great for finding just the right moment to finish at. 

At first I thought I was in for a mentally handicapped site, if such a beast existed.  I was like “wow, can they do that for real?”  I prepped myself for Corky nailing some crossed eyed bitch, but no- the page turned out to be a normal XXX page; strangely, I was disappointed, glum even.  I was ready for something I had never seen before.  Oh well, I’ll give you this one, internet.

On the plus side Simple Fucks is an amazing porn site brimming with the hottest babes ever to be jizzed on.  I even made one of them my new wallpaper, a freckled nosed blond with baby blue eyes to kill and die for.  The sex is hardcore all the way.  The action goes anal, deep throat, and facial at all the opportune moments. 

Firm skin, tight bodies, and the right eager-to-please attitude; is it any wonder why we love Just Barely Legal girls.  With unmarked complexions and bright doe eyes, they are a perfect fit for our fuck fantasies.  I like to think of them as first year college coeds; away from home for the first time, free from their high school sweethearts, and looking to expand their horizons.  Sure, they’ve had sex before, but that was on prom night with an inexperienced boy.  Now, they want the real thing- MAN COCK! 

“Teach me how to suck dick,” she says in her high-C pixie voice.

“No problem babe,” you reply.

“Really, that’s great.  Do you know where the G-spot is… the anal G-spot?”

You can’t keep a straight face.  “Oh yeah sweet cheeks, that’s my specialty.”

“I was hoping you would say that.”

Don’t worry.  They’re legal; play ball!  With talents such as Kylee Reese, Alexa Von Tess, Lexi Belle, and Charlie Laine your nut-bust is guaranteed.

Private Porn Video is amateur gold.  Here we have a googolplex of palatable pune.  This footage hails from the motherland, where women, apparently, have no qualms about heating up the house with bushy vagina sex.  And the toys, it is so nice to see that women everywhere have access to a wide variety of dildos and vibrators.  When the Iron Curtain fell, no doubt these Western products were the first luxury items to touch down.  Thank you Rocky IV for showing us that we aren’t all that different.

Currently we have 150+ jizz-your-pocket videos.  Better get those pesky pants off before you even think about making a choice.  The average length of these clips varies between 3 and 15 minutes.  The picture quality is also a mixed bag, ranging between okay to hi-def.  Everything can be downloaded to your hard drive.

The movies are accompanied with picture galleries, which is a nice touch to help the viewer decide which videos are worth grabbing. 

The genre selection is also consumer minded, ranging from traditional hardcore, to 3some, to anal, to lesbian, to reality.  Lots of diversity here. 

Her name is Aarlyn, and she fucks like an angelic whore working pro bono.  She is a classic beauty, but don’t let that fool you; anal is her favorite, and by favorite I mean 80 percent of her lovin’ takes place in the rectum—by demand!  It is one part romance, one part awesome, and altogether unlikely, just way I like masturbatory porridge. 

This wanton Jezebel is but a taste of what you can expect in Only Movies, a site dedicated to hardcore smut done with complete disregard for future bowel movements, the technique the porn gods originally taught. 

Naturally, ass-to-mouth accompanies the excellent buggery, a must side dish for any ass aficionado site. 

Where do they find these girls, I don’t know.  Can I watch these films in public without making a nasty stain in my trousers, probably not.  Will I be jerking off to this swag once I get home, most assuredly.  (Thank you, magic eight ball.)   

Wow, I’m impressed.  This is actually shot on location in clubs and bars.  I don’t know how they work it out, but there it is, all 115 movies/episodes to prove that it can be done.  Now this isn’t your guerrilla film making, but it’s as close as you can get it without stepping over that line.  I guess I go out the wrong fucking nights. 

Anyways, for those who like both amateur and pro genres this site may be your happy in between.  The girls are banging and the locations are not as cheesy as the usually digs, you know what I’m talking about, pastel paints, wood panel walls decked with fluorescents.

“Zero Tolerance for Bad Porn.”  The folks at Ztod are taking a hard stance and saying no to sub par smut.  Good for them.  Somebody around here should have higher standards.